I.NEED.A.NEW.PASSION.

I'VE BEEN FEELING WEIRD LATELY. ITS FAR BEYOND HUNGER AND BOREDOM. I FIGURE SINCE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO AND NO ONE TO TALK TO I TEND TO LEAN ON THE FEW PEOPLE I DO TALK TO A LITTLE MORE.. WELL ONLY ONE.. AND WHEN I DONT TALK TO THEM IM super BORED AND FEEL A LITTLE EMPTY. WELL THIS TIME I CANT DO THAT. I ALREADY HAVE BECAUSE ITS SO EASY TO LEAN ON SOMEONE JUST TO TALK TO WHEN YOU SIT AT HOME DOIN NOTHING FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY UNTIL I GO JOGGING WITH MY PUPPY AT NIGHT. BUT STILL WHEN I GET BACK FROM JOGGING AND DONE WITH MY LITTLE WORK OUT I NEED SOMETHING TO DO [[RATHER THAN SOMEONE TO CLING TO]] SO I'VE COME TO THE DECISION:
I NEED A NEW PASSION -- POINT BLANK. SOMETHING THAT I CAN DO EVERYTIME I'M BORED AND WONT GET OLD BECAUSE I'M SO PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.

I'M GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

MY INTERESTS-

DANCE- I LOVE TO DANCE AND IT RELIEVES STRESS FOR ME. THIS KEEPS ME BUSY, HOWEVER, IT'S TIRING AND IM NOT A CHOREOGRAPHER SO I COULD LEARN A ROUTINE BUT NOT MAKE UP MY OWN. I JUST FREESTYLE BUT ITS GETTING OLD DOING THAT BY MYSELF IN A ROOM. I MIGHT LEARN A FEW DANCES ON YOU TUBE OR SOMETHING.

FASHION- I WANT TO BE A STYLIST, NOT A DESIGNER, SO MAKING CLOTHES ISNT FOR ME. I'D LOVE TO MAKE A FEW THINGS HERE OR THERE but RIGHT NOW AS FAR AS BUYING THE FABRIC GOES.. I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY TO SPARE UNTIL I GET OUT TO SAN DIEGO AND GET A JOB. THEN I'LL HAVE SCHOOL TOO SO FINDING TIME FOR THAT WHILE IN SCHOOL WITH A JOB WILL BE A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT THAN RIGHT NOW HAVING NOTHING TO DO.

PIANO- SO IM TEACHING MYSELF HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO BASED ON YOU TUBE TUTORIALS. ITS NOT SUPER HARD AND I LOVE DOING IT WHEN I WANT TO DO IT BUT IT DOESNT ALWAYS LAST LONG. I HAVE A WORSE MEMORY THAN I THOUGHT I DID BECAUSE I'LL LEARN A SONG AND FORGET IT AS IM LEARNING IT OR LATER THAT DAY. I ALSO MIGHT NOT REMEMBER THE BEAT/TUNE SO I'LL HAVE TO YOU TUBE IT AGAIN AND RE LEARN IT OR AT LEAST LISTEN TO THE WAY IT SHOULD SOUND. NOT FOR EVERYONE BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE COMPETING WITH SOMEONE IN DECEMBER BUT IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

POETRY- I LOVE WRITING POETRY but I CANT (AND THIS PROBABLY GOES FOR MOST IF NOT EVERYBODY) WRITE AT ANY POINT AND TIME IN MY DAY. WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO DO I CANT WRITE ON BEING BORED BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A COMMON FEELING FOR ME RIGHT NOW. I CAN ONLY WRITE WHEN I HAVE STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT SOMETHING i.e. PAIN, HURT, LOVE, LUST, JOY, ANGER, ESTATICism!, etc. SO THAT'S ONLY A TEMPORARY FEELING AND IT HELPS RELIEVE STRESS AND IF I FEEL I CANT TALK TO ANYONE I KNOW MY PAPER ALWAYS LISTENS TO MY PEN SO IT'S A GOOD WAY TO GET EVERYTHING OUT WITHOUT ANYONE IN MY BUSINESS BUT WITHOUT KEEPING EVERYTHING IN.

READING- NOW IF THIS WAS A FEW MONTHS AGO I WOULD SAY I DONT READ OR I CANT READ. BUT THIS SUMMER I FOUND TWO PARTICULAR BOOKS TO MY LIKING: DECODING LOVE by ANDREW TREES, AND ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN by STEVER HARVEY. I SAW THE FIRST ONE WHILE WATCHING THE TYRA SHOW AND THOUGHT IT SOUNDED LIKE A SUBJECT I WANTED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT- DATING- BUT NOT FROM A PERSONS PERSPECTIVE, FROM A SCIENTIFIC PERSPECTIVE. I HEARD ABOUT THE STEVE HARVEY BOOK WHEN I HAPPENED TO GO ON THE CONAN O BRIEN SHOW WHILE I WAS IN NYC. THAT BOOK IS ABOUT THE THOUGHT PROCESS OF MEN SO WOMEN CAN GET IN THEIR HEAD AND NOT WASTE TIME ON SOMEONE WHO ISN'T PLANNING ON PURSUING THEM IN THE LONG RUN. BOTH BOOKS WERE VERY INTERESTING AND KEPT ME OCCUPIED FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I'VE BEEN DONE WITH BOTH BOOKS FOR ALMOST A WEEK NOW AND WANT TO BUY A NEW BOOK. I KNOW WHICH ONE BUT THEY DIDNT HAVE IT IN STOCK PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE AND I DONT WANT TO WAIT FOR IT TO COME IN THE MAIL BECAUSE I MIGHT NOT GET IT BEFORE I LEAVE. SO I'LL GET A DIFFERENT BOOK OR JUST WAIT IT OUT. BUT READING CAN ONLY BE SO FUN FOR SO LONG BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP OR WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.

PAINT/DRAW- IM FASCINATED WITH PAINTING AND DRAWING, HOWEVER, IM NOT GOOD AT EITHER. WELL NOT DRAWING AT LEAST, BUT I HAVEN'T PAINTED IN SO LONG I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. BUT FOR NOW, I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO PAINT WITH OR ON SO UNTIL I CAN GET THAT, IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!

EXERCISE- I JOB 4 TIMES A WEEK FOLLOWED BY LIFTING AND AB'S. THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MOST OF MY DAYS, BUT HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? IT'S VERY REFRESHING BUT BECAUSE I GO WITH MY DOG I HAVE TO GO BEFORE THE SUN COMES OR AFTER THE SUN GOES BECAUSE HIS PAWS WILL BURN THE WHOLE 1.3/1.4 MILES. IT WOULD ALSO BE EXCRUCIATING FOR ME BECAUSE OF THE 100+ DEGREE WEATHER. IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO DO IT AT NIGHT, BUT DURING THE DAY WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. THAT GOOD OLD ARIZONA WEATHER IS nothing TO PLAY ABOUT [[OR IN!]]. IM ALSO NOT TRYING TO WORKOUT TO DEATH OR TO LOSE WEIGHT OR BE SUPER MUSCULAR. IM JUST TONING SO IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO DO BUT SO MUCH. DONT GET ME WRONG, I LOVE DOING IT AND THE RESULTS ARE SHOWING BUT I WOULDN'T JUST DO IT IN MY SPARE TIME.

WRITING A BOOK- I REALLY WANT TO WRITE A BOOK, AN INSPIRATIONAL OR HELPFUL BOOK, BUT THE PROBLEM IS I HAVE SO MANY DIFFERENT IDEAS I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO START WITH. I'D LOVE TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT LOVE, DATING, SEX, etc., WITH MUCH RESEARCH OF COURSE BECAUSE I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON ANY OF THIS. I LOVE PHILOSOPHY AND PSYCHOLOGY AND WANT TO INCORPORATE THIS IN MY BOOK. IF I COULD JUST NAME THE CHAPTERS/SECTIONS MY LIFE WOULD BE MUCH EASIER. I PLAN ON LEARNING AS I WRITE AND THIS IS CLOSET TO MY NEWEST PASSION.

SPANISH- I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT FINISHING LEARNING TO SPEAK SPANISH STARTING WITH BUYING SOME BOOKS AND GETTING THE BASICS IN MY HEAD FOREVER WHILE REFRESHING MY PAST SPANISH LESSONS AND CONTINUING TO LEARN MORE. ITS EASIER TO LEARN FROM A TEACHER IN SCHOOL SO I KNOW IM PRONOUNCING EVERYTHING RIGHT OR MAYBE EVEN ONLINE BUT ONCE AGAIN I CAN ONLY DO THAT FOR SO LONG.

ANYWHO I'LL LET YALL KNOW WHAT I DECIDE IN THE NEXT BLOG!

<3 FEENIX

SCHOOL AND SAN DIEGO

SO I CANT WAIT TO MOVE TO SAN DIEGO. MY DAD SAID WE'RE GOIN OUT THERE IN 2 WEEKS BUT I THINK IM JUST GONNA GO AND MOVE AT THE SAME TIME. I JUST NEEDA GET OUTTA AZ AND GET A JOB, REGISTER FOR SCHOOL, START, AND LA DI DA. but THE CLARK ATLANTA FUCKED UP YET AGAIN. THEY SENT ME AN UNOFFICIAL AND OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT FORM WHEN THE OFFICIAL WAS SUPPOSED TO GOTO SAN DIEGO MESA COLLEGE AND THE UNOFFICIAL WAS SUPPOSED TO GOTO ME. OMGSH THEY PISS ME OFF. $20 TO ANYONE WHO THINKS CLARK WONT TRYN CHARGE ME AGAIN FOR OVERNIGHT TRANSCRIPT EVEN THO they MESSED IT ALL UP. AY DIOS MIO!!!!!!!! LOLS BUT I CANT WAIT. 2 WEEKS [[OR LESS]] AND IM OUTTA AZ. TOO BAD ITS NOT B4 THE 4TH.
I NEEDA HURRY AND GETTA JOB ASAP SO I CAN BUY A CAR. UGH. BUT ANYWHO ON THE SAD TIP.. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED ON THE 25TH AT 50 YEARS OLD. ICON. HE MADE REAL MUSIC, SOMETHING MOST PEOPLE DONT KNOW ABOUT DUE TO LACK OF REAL MUSIC NOW DAYS. HE'S THE KING OF POP AND WILL ALWAYS BE especially SINCE I DONT EVEN THINK THERE IS A CATEGORY FOR 'POP' ANYMORE. HIS 'CHILDREN' THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ARE NOT HIS WERE JUST OFFICIALLY GRANTED TO CATHERINE JACKSON. THE BET AWARDS WERE BAD AND THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE A SEPARATE TRIBUTE TO MICHAEL JACKSON AND IN THE SPEECHES PAID TRIBUTE BECAUSE IT WAS VERY LAST MINUTE, LITERALLY, AS WELL FAR AS BEING PUT TOGETHER AND IT SHOWED. I'D RATHER WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO BLOW ME AWAY THAN SOMETHING TO COME ON SOON. MORE SONGS THAN AWARDS AND MORE TALKING THAN ANY THING.

ABOUT TO DO MY SISTERS WEAVE. I HAVE SOOOO MUCH TO BLOG SINCE I HAVENT BEEN ON IN A LIL WHILE DUE TO THE EVENT OF MJ'S DEATH.

<3 FEENIX NICOLE

DREAMING OF DEATH

SO A LOT LATELY I HAVE BEEN NEAR DYING. LAST NIGHT/THIS MORNING I ALMOST GOT SHOT AT A RESTAURANT I JUST STARTED THAT DAY. I MESSED UP SOOOO MANY ORDERS AND COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING ON THE COMPUTER AND BROUGHT A LADY A WATER INSTEAD OF SPRITE AND WHEN I RETURNED TO GET THE REST OF THE ORDERS THERE WERE NEW PPL AND LA DI DA.. A BLACK MAN CAME IN AND SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIE AS HE GRABBED A HUGE BOTTLE OF WINE. THERE WERE ONLY ABOUT 2 BLACK PPL THERE OTHER THAN HIM, ONE BEING ME. I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY AT WORK ANYWAYS SO I JUST RAN, RAN, RAN OUT. WHEN I GOT OUTSIDE AND TURNED AROUND TO LOOK IN, THE GUY WITH THE BOTTLE WAS THERE FACING ME WITH A LONG GUN. I'M JUST LIKE PLEASE NOT ME PLEASE AND THEN I HAD TO SHAKE MYSELF OUT OF MY DREAM.

I'VE HAD DREAMS SIMILAR TO THIS LATELY AND THOUGHT MAYBE I AM DYING BECAUSE THESE DREAMS ARE REOCCURING AND IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO SHAKE MYSELF OUT IN ORDER TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY. SO I DECIDED TO LOOK UP WHAT A DREAM ABOUT DEATH REALLY MEANS.

THIS IS WHAT I GOT FROM DREAM MOODS DICTIONARY'S WEBSITE::


To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.



SO HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IS IN MY NEAR NEAR FUTURE. IT'S WEIRD HOW ALL THESE EVENTS ARE HAPPENING TO ME SINCE LEAVING ATLANTA. MEETING A MALE WHOSE SO MUCH LIKE ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME DIFFERENT.. MY 'BROTHERS' MOTHER PREACHING TO ME, MY BESTFREND AND ME GOING CRAZY, AND IN-BETWEEN IT ALL, PROBABLY EACH EVENT, THESE NEAR DEATH DREAMS.


IM MOVING TO SAN DIEGO IN ABOUT A MONTH AND A HALF AT THE LATEST, AND THIS MIGHT BE THE BIGGEST CHANGE IN MY LIFE THAT I NEED. I BELIEVE IT WILL BE AND DESPITE ALL THE NEGATIVE PPL IN MY LIFE SAYING IM NOT MOVING AND LA DI DA THAT THIS IS WHAT I NEED AND WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. IMA START BACK UP WITH SCHOOL AND I'M CURRENTLY ON A WORKOUT PLAN AND A DIET.


CANT WAIT FOR THE FUTURE.

<3 FEENIX

MY FIRST BLOG- OH SWEET ATLANTA

OK SO IM WRITING IN GEORGIA FONT BECAUSE I KINDA MISS ATLANTA. NOT SO MUCH THE PLACE BUT MORE THE PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE FROM THERE ARE NOT PERCEIVED WELL AND ITS BECAUSE OF THE WAY SOME OF THEM ACT. I CANT BE BOTHERED WITH THAT SHIT DAY BY DAY. AND THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO TIP OR BEHAVE IN PUBLIC. I THOUGHT THE KIDS WERE BAD BUT WHEN I HAD TO SERVE THE PARENTS I ONLY FELT BAD FOR THE CHILDREN. BUT THATS NOT ALL OF ATLANTA. THE GEORGIA TECH KIDS THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN EVERY1 AND THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO TIP EITHER. SAME GOES FOR MOREHOUSE AND SPELMAN ATTENDEES. BRAINWASHED BUT IF YOU DONT KNOW A SIMPLE EQUATION TO KNOW HOW TO TIP THAN WHAT DID IT really TAKE TO GET IN TO THE SCHOOL? HMM. I WENT TO CLARK AND NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE I WASNT SMART ENOUGH FOR TECH OR SPELMAN, IT WAS BECAUSE NO OTHER HBCU HAD MY MAJOR- FASHION design KEYWORD design. I DIDN'T EVER THINK BLACK PEOPLE WOULD HATE ON EACH OTHER SO MUCH BECAUSE OF THE SCHOOL THEY WENT TO. I THOUGHT WE WOULD ALL BE UNITED AS ONE. NOT THE CASE. I DIDNT RETURN TO CLARK BECAUSE I DIDNT LEARN anything THE FIRST YEAR AND PAYING VER $20,000 YOU JUST DONT GET A SECOND CHANCE ON THAT. I LOVE ATLANTA THOUGH. YOU COULD PROBABLY TELL THAT I WAS ALSO A SERVER. THE PROBLEMS MOSTLY CAME FROM SERVING IN AN AREA WHERE I TRUELY BELIEVE MOST OF THE CUSTOMERS WERE TO SAY THE LEAST UNEDUCATED ON THE TIP PERCENTAGE. 10% OR LESS HASNT BEEN THE PERCENTAGE FOR YEARS. 18% TO 20% IS THE MINIMUM AND THAT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN ATLANTA AND SOME OTHER STATES BECAUSE WE ONLY MAKE $2.13 AN HOUR AND THE GOVERNMENT TAKES EVERY PERIOD. YA YA WE'RE IN A RECESSION, BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN GO OUT SPEND EVERY DIME AND NOT TIP LEAVING US UNABLE TO PAY OUR BILLS, HAVE TO GET A SECOND MAYBE THIRD JOB AND THAN WONDER WHY WE'RE IN A BAD MOOD SERVING. YOU CAN ONLY ACT SO LONG AND ACTING WILL ONLY GET YOU SO FAR IN LIFE.

ATLANTA IS AN AMAZING PLACE TO visit TO ME BUT AS FAR AS living GOES.. DONT. AND I KNOW THIS SEEMS RATHER NEGATIVE BUT THAT'S THE EFFECT I GET EVERY TIME I THINK BACK ON IT. I LOVE LOVE THE PEOPLE I KNEW IN THE END AND I MISS YOU GUYS AND I LOVE U.

I'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SINCE I PROMISED. LOLS